Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
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Incredible customer service.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
one of
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’