Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
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the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Pringles
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone