I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
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Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you