One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
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Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.