setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
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My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.