Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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where the womens at?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.