My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
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[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Single and childfree like Jesus
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I think I’m having a stroke
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.