I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
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Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure