I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
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My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
AM I BEING GASLIT????
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Going to church you guys need anything
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.