Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.