lmfao
You Might Also Like
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
yes… yes…
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.