Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
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Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.