A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
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Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.