Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
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Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Important reminders
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore