I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
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Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.