[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*