I like to take long walks away from stupid people
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4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.