WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
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A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.