Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
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“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
bro what is going on at twitter
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I just love that new Pope smell.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
a public service announcement
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.