My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
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[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast