[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
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Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.