I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
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Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
how it started vs how it ended
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place