Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
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Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]