Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
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Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
do horses think humans are hats
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*