8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
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them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Jesus Christ lmao
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Word.
~ Microsoft.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’