I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
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Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
What even happened today?
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
From my Mom
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.