i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
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Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english