I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
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Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
just got my engagement photos
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players