I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
the noise i just made
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”