ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
couldn’t resist
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.