*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
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I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
That time Alicia messaged me
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.