hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??