I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
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Ok who’s got my black socks?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.