Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
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The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.