Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
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righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?