No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
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math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
work smarter, not harder
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.