Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.