Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.