Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
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Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me