her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
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I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Fiction has to make sense.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.