Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
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Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom