asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
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therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
he looks great for his age
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats