you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
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*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Me too 😆
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.