Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
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me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
January has been Januweary
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Oh deer
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1