Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
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The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Those are good neighbors.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Very good! 👍😂
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
welcome back
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke