Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
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WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer