I was up all night reading about insomnia
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[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt