Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
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Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
*3.5 thank you very much.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.