public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
You Might Also Like
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Florida man
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo