sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
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ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.